


Father and Son

by MagicQuill42



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Grief, Implied Child Abandonment, Miscommunication, Tears, empathy!virgil, getting kicked out, implied gaslighting, mildly questionable coping mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-14 06:49:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16908168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicQuill42/pseuds/MagicQuill42
Summary: Empathy! Virgil Au.Virgil has no idea how he got in the dark side of the mindscape, but it really hurts that his own father replaced him. On the other hand, Patton gained and lost a son in under an hour. He may never fully recover, but trying to befriend Anxiety is at least a start, right? Even if he’ll never replace his little Empathy...





	Father and Son

**Author's Note:**

> This is so angst-heavy I don’t know if I can put warnings for everything. I’m gonna try, but speak up if I miss something. I want everyone safe from the idea that attacked me at midnight last night. Extra stuff here.

It started when Thomas was twelve and three quarters. The cusp of not really being a little kid anymore, but also not yet a teenager.

“Tweens” Logic said.

“Bless you.” Creativity replied.

Morality had giggled at that, but he certainly wasn’t giggling now. That would risk waking up the figure next to him, the small body curled into his. And they really were small. Tiny, actually! They didn’t look much older than six.

But even as Morality lay there watching, they were growing. It was slow and hard to notice, but after a few minutes he realized his estimation was wrong and that they looked a lot closer to eight. And then ten, and then eleven, until they were just about the same size as Morality was. Twelve and three quarters.

Morality had seen other sides take form before. It happened whenever Thomas had enough of something that it took shape into its own being. But usually that side would turn up in their own room. Not in Morality’s.

Morality closed his eyes, reaching out within himself to find out what this new side was.

When he reached it his eyes almost popped open in surprise. Instead, though, he reached back inside himself, just to double check.

Sure enough, Thomas’ empathy had moved. It wasn’t his job anymore. It had become such a big part of Thomas that it needed it’s own side. Morality’s… twin?

No, that would imply they showed up at the same time. Brother was good, but he felt… more responsible for this side than that. As if he was the one in charge. After all, empathy wasn’t really much without morals to make them act, but one can have morals without empathy, however twisted they may be. It’s almost as if he was… a parent. And Empathy was his son.

That felt right. Happiness hummed in Morality’s heart and he placed a gentle kiss on Empathy’s forehead.

He stirred a little, not waking, but shifting in his soft purple hoodie. Morality smiled at him.

He slid out of the bed carefully, going to go make them both some breakfast before his son woke up.

***

Empathy really didn’t want to be awake. He knew it was his first day and all, and that he should greet the day with something happy but… he really, just, didn’t want to.

He fought back a shiver from the cold surface he was laying on and pulled his jacket closer. That wasn’t right. He’d just been warm, hadn’t he? He’d felt warm before. When he was with his… his… what was the word?

He reluctantly cracked open his eyes, both of them widening moments later. This wasn’t where he was supposed to be.

He was supposed to be curled up against Morality in Thomas’ heart, laying on thick quilts with sunshine filtering through the curtains. He may have just been born, but he knew that. He knew that as much as he knew he was Empathy.

He also knew he was not supposed to be sitting on a cold concrete floor, almost entirely surrounded by shadows.

And all at once he remembered his word for Morality.

“Dad?” He asked cautiously. “Daddy? Are… are you there?”

A shape curled out of the shadows. Empathy recoiled from it as soon as he could see them. Their face was half covered in snake scales, and one eye was yellow. They were not Dad.

They frowned at him sympathetically. “Daddy isn’t here, little one. And I don’t think he ever will be.”

Empathy sniffled. “Where is he? Where am I?”

The person gave him a small smile. “This is the outer subconscious. It’s where the darker sides of Thomas live. The parts of himself he wants hidden away and doesn’t want to feed into. Your dad is in the inner subconscious, where the main parts of Thomas live. The parts he uses more often.”

“Wh- Why am I here?” Empathy stammered. “I don’t- I don’t belong here.”

The figure clicked their tongue and frowned again. “I was confused, too. I didn’t think the main sides even knew this place existed but, well, here you are. Morality dropped you off a little while ago.”

“Morality? But… why?” Empathy asked, trying hard not to let the tears slip past his eyes.

The figure shrugged. “I guess you must be a dark side.”

“No!” Empathy shrieked. “No! I’m not! I’m a good side! I’m good!”

The figure shook his head, almost sadly. “I think if you were, your dad would have wanted to keep you there. But I guess he knew where you really belonged.”

“No!” Empathy screamed again. “No! I’m not! I’m not, I’m not, I’m not!”

The figure sighed heavily. “I can’t talk to you again until you calm down. I’ll be in my room down the hall, come there once the water works stop.”

They didn’t stop for hours. Or more. Honestly, Empathy couldn’t remember when they stopped. He cried himself to sleep and when he woke up, he was in the arms of the snake-faced person again.

He shushed him softly and said that they knew he’d never replace Empathy’s dad, but that he could be a great big brother, if Empathy would let him.

And for just a little bit, part of Empathy believed him. And he let him.

***

Morality hadn’t been out of his room in days. Creativity was starting to worry, and he could tell Logic was too. Neither of them knew what was happening in there.

Almost a week ago Morality had come down with a grin and made a double serving of eggo waffles. He was so excited about something that he almost couldn’t get out the words. Eventually he calmed down enough to tell them that a new side was here. His son, Empathy.

Logic thought that was a bit silly, but they both wanted to meet him. Morality just shook his head and said they could do it later, they didn’t want to overwhelm him. The two agreed reluctantly.

They went about their business, which was then interrupted by a scream from Morality’s room. They ran as fast as their legs could carry them.

Morality was on the floor, in tears.

“He’s gone,” He choked. “He’s gone and I don’t know where. Just… gone.”

There was no one else in Morality’s room.

Logic timidly suggested that Morality had dreamed it, which made Morality angry. He demanded that Logic reach out and feel for himself that empathy wasn’t his job any more. It wasn’t part of Morality domain, therefore it couldn’t have been a dream.

Logic barely had time to agree before Mortality shoved them both out of his room.

And he hadn’t come back out.

“Should we…” Creativity started. “I don’t know… go in there? Check on him? The poor guy seemed really upset.”

Logic shifted uncomfortably. “I do not think that would be wise. Morality is still in the grieving process, and will likely go through all five stages of grief repeatedly until he wants to see us again.”

“But shouldn’t we at least make sure he’s eating?” Creativity asked. “I know it’s finals week, but Thomas hasn’t really been feeding into his morals this week. I want to make sure he’s okay.”

“Aw, Creativity, that’s swell of you.” said a voice from the stairs.

They both whirled to see Morality standing there, a big smile on his face but looking a little worse for wear. His eyes were rimmed in red, his hair looked unbrushed, and his clothes were rumpled. The sweater he normally wore was tied around his shoulders like some kind of cape. But he was smiling at them.

“I…” Morality trailed off. “I’m not okay. I don’t think I will be for a little bit. I lost my son, after I just got him. But… well the way I see it, I can still be a dad without him. After all I’ve got two wonderful sons right here.”

He enveloped them both in a hug, much to Creativity’s confusion. He looked around Morality’s head at Logic, who was frowning sympathetically.

‘Coping mechanism,’ He mouthed.

Creativity nodded his understanding and started to hug Morality back.

“If that’s what you need, Padre.” He said. “We could certainly use the parental figure.”

If Morality needed to be their dad to cope with not being able to be Empathy’s, then they would be his sons. They would let him do all the parenting he needed.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Thomas was fourteen going on fifteen, now. And Empathy was in pain.

Deceit had finally agreed to let him slip into the inner consciousness, just for a minute, so that he could see his dad. And what he saw hurt.

Morality had replaced him, fathering the two other main sides of Thomas. He doted on them, loving on them as if Empathy had never existed at all. Maybe… maybe that’s why he’d dropped Empathy with dark sides. He already had two perfectly good kids, why would he ever need Empathy?

Deceit had only shook his head, his frown ever sympathetic as he asked if Empathy understood now. If he would give up already?

Empathy just… ran. He ran and ran until he was out of breath and his legs gave out. He collapsed somewhere in the deep subconscious, the corner of Thomas’ mind where parts of him just drifted, formless.

What he wouldn’t give to be like that and not have to worry about being wanted.

At that thought, something in Empathy cracked. He pressed a hand to his mouth, suppressing the sobs that bubbled in his throat.

He cried for what felt like forever before he felt something coil around his arm. He looked down at the shadowy thing, finding his arm almost entirely covered in inky black smoke. It was some forgotten aspect of Thomas, hidden away and suppressed, but trying in it’s own way to make sure he was alright.

His heart went out to the small thing, feeling a sort of kinship in their misery.

“I bet you don’t have to worry about not being wanted, huh?” He whispered. “You already know everyone’s stance on that.”

An idea formed in Empathy’s head. And he accepted it.

He gently took the aspect in his arms and whispered the idea to it. The aspect liked that and agreed in it’s own way.

Without a second thought, it plunged into Empathy. It wormed through him, shoving aside and knocking out all parts of the aspect he used to represent and replacing them. His insides burned, and he couldn’t seem to remember what air felt like, but he didn’t scream.

This was for the best, after all. If they didn’t want Empathy, than Anxiety was going to become their personal nuisance.

He gasped aloud as Anxiety’s ghost of a mind coiled into his, changing his worldview. So much happened to so many people wasn’t that horrible? It could happen to Thomas. It probably would happen to Thomas, given his luck. And there was a bunch of things that hadn’t happened to anyone yet, but probably would happen to Thomas because, again, that was just his luck.

Empathy twisted and fractured and broke. The color bled out of him, turning his soft lavender jacket black and his worn blue jeans gray. He lay on the ground, huddled into himself.

And when it was all over, Anxiety stood up.

***

Patton felt something shift in the mindscape and almost screamed. He might have, actually, he couldn’t tell. But he did freeze in the middle of making dinner. He reached out, again and again, hoping to be wrong each time.

The next thing he was aware of was Roman’s hand on his shoulder, gently asking what was wrong.

“Thomas’ empathy,” Patton said, voice cracking. “It’s part of me again. It’s… it isn’t it’s own side anymore. He’s gone, he’s dea-”

Patton’s voice stopped coming out his throat and Roman gripped him into a tight hug. He stroked Patton’s hair gently as Patton sobbed.

Later, Patton would decide that if his son couldn’t be here as himself, he wouldn’t let a day go by without using that part of him. He would try and make sure that part of Thomas never went unused.

But for now, he let Roman hold him as he mourned over the son he’d never had the chance to know.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

The dark sides weren’t idiots. Well okay they were. They were as big a fool as any suppressed part of a nineteen year old could be. But that didn’t necessarily make them stupid.

They knew Anxiety wasn’t one of them, even if the core sides didn’t.

For one, he didn’t have the scales that peppered the skin of each dark side. Deceit assured them that his scales would come in any day now that he was Anxiety. But no one believed him.

Not even when he smeared eyeshadow under his eyes and said his scales were underneath. They just said that if he was that desperate for a black eye they would give him one. Deceit came to his aid, saying that it was just a new style choice.

Neither wanted that to become more than an empty threat.

The other part of it was that he could walk into the inner subconscious without being stopped the way they were. He could mosey on through, give Prince, Logic, and Morality a heart attack as he kept Thomas safe, and then waltz right back. Easy peasy lemon squeezy for him, difficult difficult lemon difficult for the Dark Sides.

Every time they tried they either got forcibly shoved back in or had to take the form of someone else. They had to sneak, while he could just march through and assert his influence.

Eventually they got tired of it. The other Dark Sides overrode Deceit and kicked him out of their part of the mind. Anxiety, quite literally, got the boot. Even his room got moved to the main part of the subconscious.

He hated it.

He hated being right there and being forced to see Morality be the dad for Creativity and Logic. He hated seeing him tuck them into bed after movie nights, each peck on the forehead driving a knife into Anxiety’s stomach.

It hurt.

Didn’t Morality recognize him? Didn’t Morality know that he was right here? Or did he just not care?

That was probably it. After all, he’d never wanted Empathy in the first place, what would make Anxiety any different? That didn’t stop the pain, though.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

The videos didn’t help. Thomas getting to know them all was nice, but it was clear who the bad guy was.

It also didn’t help that Patton had said his name now, so Anxiety couldn’t get away with just calling him dad because that wasn’t his name anymore. He was Patton, and Anxiety had no right to call him dad.

It stung. And every bit of parental kindness from Patton stung even more. Anxiety wanted to let the other sides accept him, but… he couldn’t ignore the fact that he’d basically been abandoned on a doorstep for someone else to take care of. He wanted to trust them all, Patton especially, but he couldn’t ignore what he’d done.

***

Anxiety was a funny fellow. He’d stare longingly at the affection Patton gave everyone else, but recoiled and hissed whenever Patton tried to give him some.

Logan tried to explain it for him. He guessed that Anxiety didn’t really feel like part of the family, and that any attempt to let him join was extended out of pity. It made Patton’s heart hurt, but he kind of understood. He wouldn’t want to be cuddled just because someone felt sorry for him, and he doubted Anxiety did either.

But that didn’t stop him from wanting to scoop Anxiety into his arms and snuggle the fears away. He wanted to be Anxiety’s dad more than he ever had before. If only Anxiety would let him.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

They’d come after him. They wanted him.

They may not have wanted Empathy but… they wanted Anxiety.

Maybe they’d changed, after all it was years ago, over a decade. They wanted him. And he finally felt like he could trust them.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Virgil had gone a long time missing his purple hoodie. He’d tried to manifest it a few times, but it was always torn and tattered. He’d tried sewing those tatters back together, but they always fell apart.

Eventually he just sewed a few patches of those tatters onto a black jacket and called it good enough. He never let that jacket leave his room, and only wore it when he really felt alone.

Then Thomas had gone and dyed his hair purple.

And Roman started a domino effect of everyone getting new outfits.

Virgil wanted to wear his jacket all the time. He always had. And now that everyone looked different maybe this was his chance. But… what if they made fun of him? He was supposed to be black not purple.

Before he could panic much more, Thomas had talked him into it. He swiped into his patchy jacket, a new, purple shirt underneath and some clean, purple sneakers on his feet.

Logan said it looked nice, Roman teased him about becoming even angstier, and Patton nearly choked on his own excitement. Not quite what he was expecting, but probably better.

They all said their goodbyes to Thomas and went back into the mindscape. Patton gave him a tight hug before going up to his room. Virgil would have let him be, if he hadn’t caught a small glimpse of tears in Patton’s eyes.

A little more than worried, he asked Roman and Logan what he’d done wrong. They both shifted uncomfortably, not looking at him for a bit.

“It isn’t really our place to say,” Logan said.

“It’s not exactly information for us to give out,” Roman agreed. “We only really know it because we were there when it all happened.”

“That- I literally just said that,” Logan huffed.

“Yes, but I said it so much better.”

Virgil rolled his eyes as they kept bickering and started heading towards Patton’s room. A quiet sniffling could be heard through the door and he knocked gently.

Patton let him in and he sat gingerly on the edge of his bed. They sat in silence for a while, Patton hovering on the edge of tears.

Eventually he scrubbed them away and flashed Virgil a sad smile.

“I’m sorry,” He said. “This is all- I’m just being silly.”

“Emotions aren’t silly, Pat.” Virgil said.

“No, I know. It’s just-” Patton let out a long, heavy breath. “You’re jacket just reminded me of someone, that’s all.”

Virgil suddenly felt like he’d swallowed a dozen peach pits, but he fought the feeling back and decided to be just a little bit risky.

“Who?”

Patton didn’t answer right away, instead staring off into space for several minutes. Virgil was almost ready to ask again when Patton finally spoke.

“I had a little boy,” He said softly. “He was supposed to represent Thomas’ Empathy, but since that was an offshoot of his heart, the Imagination goddesses or whoever controls all this decided he would literally come from me. It wasn’t anything gross, I just woke up and he was there. Swaddled in a purple jacket. I left the room, not for long, just to get some food for us both. But when I came back he was gone, vanished into thin air without a trace. The only thing that indicated he’d even been there was the indent on my bed and the warmth where he had been.

“I screamed and cried and mourned for forever. I reached out into every part of the mind I could think of, but I couldn’t find him. I got desperate. I think I scared Roman and Logan too, a little. But I just wanted my son back. When I came out of my room again I… I don’t know. I don’t know if I was desperate for someone to paternalize or to prove that I was good enough to have him back. I don’t think I’ll ever know that, really.

“And then one day, out of nowhere, I felt the empathy become part of me again. Become my responsibility even though it had belonged to someone else for so many years now. That’s when I knew… my little boy, my son… was dead.”

Virgil’s heart broke as he listened. He wanted to scream at Patton, to whoop and holler that he was right here, alive and well and never going to leave again.

But he didn’t. Patton needed to talk and he was going to let him. His part could come after.

“He wore purple too,” Patton said. “That’s why I needed a minute. It really does look nice on you, kiddo, and I wouldn’t trade you or make you change anything for the entire world. But… part of me can’t help but think that that’s his color. That in a different life he would have worn it, and stood right by my side in the window. That if I’d just tried a little harder, he might still be here. I- I’ll get over it, I promise, and I don’t want you to change anything because of how it makes me feel. But I need a little bit of time to grieve over what should have been. To let go of the sight of a soft lavender hood…”

Patton trailed off, and Virgil took the opportunity for what it was.

“This is gonna sound random, but there’s a point, I promise.” He said. “When I first met the dark sides, they told me that was where I belonged. That the one I’d manifested near saw that before I even woke up and dumped me with them.”

Patton gasped softly. “That’s horrible.”

Virgil shrugged. “It is what it is. That was their favorite thing to say, really. That I belonged there. That I was part of Thomas that needed to be held back like the rest of them. I didn’t listen for a long time. But then one day I just… gave in. I let myself believe it.

“I don’t anymore.” He said, quieting Patton’s protests. “Even if Anxiety is a darker part of Thomas, at the time… that’s not who I was. After I believed them, though, that’s who I let myself become. I rewrote my whole existence just to fit what I thought they wanted me to be. It- uh… well it didn’t work out in the end. After a few years they got tired of their broken toy and kicked me out. I spent a long time just feeling unwanted, so much so that I just decided to leave.

“And then you all came after me. You told me how much I was wanted and I… I believed you. Patton you… you’ll never really understand how much that silly card meant to me. I played it off for the end of the video, but it… being part of a family… I haven’t had that since the first few moments of being real. No matter how much Deceit called himself my big brother.

“I don’t know how I ended up with the dark sides, but I know they were lying about it. And…” He hesitated. “I’m glad that I’m finally home. And I hope that you still want me here.”

Before he could second guess it, Patton yanked him into a fierce hug.

“Kiddo,” Patton breathed. “There’s not a lot in this mind, or on this earth that I want more than you. I always have. And I am so, so sorry that it took me so long to find you again.”

Virgil felt his hair grow damp from Patton’s tears, and he cried a few of his own. They lay there for a long time, snuggled together as father and son, together at last.


End file.
